What does it all mean?

On my trip, I kept a list of questions that I wanted to address while I was away from Normal.  The list of questions, which I drafted about a week before I left, consisted of, “30 years from now, what do I want to have accomplished in my life?”, “When I’m dead and gone, what do I want my legacy to be?”, “Where do I want to be right now; what do I want to be doing?”, “If money weren’t a factor, what would I do for the next five years of my life?”, “How much of a factor is money to me?”, among several others.

Over the month’s time, I reached answers for every question that I left with–the resolutions of which were established over many moods and considerations and influences.  That is one of the reasons why my trip was a success.  I had (and used) time for reflection about the past, introspection concerning the present, and a projection of the future.  I don’t know enough about enlightenment to say that anything I experienced while away from Normal was similar to this edification.  But, I do know that there were many times when I felt as if some greater force had taken a good, solid grip on my forearm and jerked me so hard that I lost my footing.  I also know that during those times I felt emotional, centered, beautiful, and alive.  Today, my task becomes bridging the gap between what I know I will do and when I will do it.

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Years ago, I watched the movie “The Truman Show”, and elements of that movie resound within me today.  In the same vein as Truman, I feel that I have discovered that the life I’m living is contrived; I feel I’m traveling a path that I’m not meant to travel, one that will eventually lead to my being lost, alone, cold, hungry, and afraid.  I feel, like Truman, that I need to know:  “What does it all mean?”   I’m sure that it will mean many things over time, but what I would like to know is, at any given time, What does it all mean?  I feel, like Truman, that I don’t have to accept the superficial reality of the world with which I am presented.  I can explore other worlds, I can do things that are unprecedented, I can make a different life for myself–a Life Authentic.

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I feel, like Truman, that I would like to go to Fiji.  Today.  No questions asked.  Pay the money, schlep the luggage, flash the ticket, board the plane, and one non-REM sleep later wake up in a paradise.  I feel, like many feel, five days a week when we keep routine (awaking, preparing, feeding, traveling, arriving, performing, socializing, returning, feeding, sleeping, repeating), that I don’t understand what it all means.   I want to know, if I live this life, when I die, for what will it have all been?  How many days of status quo and being unsettled must we all accept?  How much time, in my short life, will I have spent lamenting the ways that I carried out the norm and regretting the course that I chose to do so?

I like to think of times when I was a little girl.  I loved adventure and the unknown and contrasts and change.  Unearthing these changes within myself remind me that I’m still the little girl that I was 20 years ago in Kentucky.

i was such a cool kid.

There exists a flutter in the heart when you discover something new and exciting about yourself.  There also exists some inner-turmoil in rectifying the changes between “the you then” and “the you now”.  My consciousness is guiding me through this commotion.  My heart, my spirituality, and the memories of the times when I was a little girl are providing comfort towards the development of my plan for the future.

And so is my courage.  Because I, like Truman, will eventually decide to take that leap, get in a boat, paddle through storms to the edge of my world, and find a new world, far away from Normal, in which to live a Life Authentic.

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One Comment on “What does it all mean?

  1. Wow Stephanie… you REALLY did get way more than just a vacation in it sounds like! I love your deep and introspection of life – your life! And what possibilities it has presented to you on the other side of it. Powerful! THIS is very inspiring and I’m so looking forward to hearing more! Let’s talk!

    Like

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